don't come to my door

most times i want to be alone
i want to know that i have that choice
without having to explain myself to anyone
without having to smile at you or talk to you

stop talking to me, for goodness' sake!
why are you standing that close to me?
why do you need to keep moving your lips
and release so many annoying, raking sounds from them?

just SHUT UP, PLEASE.

brilliant thoughts from composers of word gardens

my sweater

i didn't find my sweater because i wasn't looking for my sweater; i had only been trying to remember where i had seen it last.

then, later that day, when i saw my sweater again--it was where i had not remembered i'd seen it last--i realized i no longer needed it because i had opted, instead, to use a better sweater.

i wish my name were john denver

then i wouldn't have to apologize for crying at the sight of sunshine

oh, brother...oh, mother

you are the perfect example of someone who doesn't love me at all.  ...and that's why i hate you so very much.  worse than not loving me is that you are indifferent toward me. 

i can't be ignored.  how could you ignore me?  how could you not notice me?  how could you treat me like i'm not important?  how could you be so...sleepy?

i NEEDED you.  ...and you weren't there for me.  you failed me...you failed me in so many ways.

i was supposed to be the most important thing in your life...and you let me die.  ...and that's why i hate you so very much.

bullshit

i am here for bullshit.

i have no purpose in this box...i forgot what i wanted to write about...i got lost in petty, petty thoughts, and lost the perfectly remarkable ones.

i am wearing a red top, and denim pants.  my socks are navy blue.  my cat, sasha, is in the room with me.  she is relaxing.  i am typing, enjoying the sound and feeling of my finger tips clicking on the keyboard.

you are bullshit, too.  when you don't love me you are a waste of my time.  i am amazing.

time is a butterfly

time
where is it?
where did it go?
who has it?

did you use it for something? what? what did you use it for? was it for something good? who, what, where, when, why, how? see, hear, touch, taste, smell, perceive? what will last forever? might you last forever? forever...foreeeveerr...it sounds like a ghost song.

what does forever care about? does it prefer still waters or stormy ones? does forever get bored?

i have time. i have a forever. everyone does. everyone. everyone does. how do i choose to use it?

i need to be the best me i can be. the time is now and forever.

hold up the mirror and say:

and if you give me a break,
give me a break,
give me a break,
you will see that it will be worth it
to me,
to we,
you'll see

believe in me
like carrots and peas
they're completely different
but they make everything work
so beautifully
complementarily
harmonically
or harmoniously

be born again,
little baby

revelation?

do i not like being touched or comforted when i'm sad or crying because my parents never comforted me as a child when i was sad or crying?

did i learn that there was no comfort to be found in others? ...in confiding or trusting others when i needed them? maybe they just made me feel worse. i know my father did.

day by day...walking in the dark.

i see a light.
it doubt and yearn for it at the same time.

my fingers quiver as i reach just a little toward it.
tentatively.
i might scare it away.

i want to be HAPPY!!!!!!
I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

I **CAN** BE HAPPY!!

my life is all about me and my questions.

tree of life

the sun is SKIPPING!
across the clouds like a stone on the water

the sun is RUNNING!
on the horizon like a child on new legs


the door of my consciousness opens out into the ocean and expanse of my soul

today's accomplishments:

(1) i put away a whole laundry basketful of clean clothes. i hung everything in there up in my closet. everything felt good as i was putting it in the closet. i think i still wanted to keep everything and felt no ambivalence over keeping it.

(2) after up to two years of them being separated, i reunited an overcoat--one i still have that was david's (sadness)--with it's removable liner. yay. this feels so good. i don't like when things that belong together are separated.

on the same day (today) of reuniting them, i actually washed them in the washing machine, too. it was so effortless and easy. i put them in the washer with a black denim calvin klein jacket which i have had since i was in high school. i have given it away to my mother who let family members use it when they visited and years later i suppose i took it back. i have not worn it in...at least a decade, i am sure, but i might wear it again someday. it is definitely '80's vintage calvin klein at this point.

also in the washer went a special beach towel i really love. it rolls up and has ties and a shoulder strap, and even a little pocket with a cute button on it. so the beach towel is like its own self-bag. my mother bought it for me from a catalog store named tweeds up to 20 years ago. i love beach gear and just had to have this towel. i have never seen anyone or anyplace else with anything like this. i love it a lot. i do not think i will ever get rid of it. with my thinner figure and new bikini beachwear i will be going to the beach more often in summers to come.

the last item in that load of laundry was a winter scarf. the brand of the scarf is missoni. it is the kind of item i would never buy, not even used. i do like it very much, but i tend to only buy things that i love or that i think are very unusual and this scarf does not fit into either category. this was one of the scarves i acquired from jed, and one of the two scarves he gave me after finding them on the street. i washed them and started to wear them--this one much, much less than the other, as it is strictly a winter scarf.

the detergent went in the water. the temperature of the water was right. it was just such an easy load of laundry to do, and even though i had to dry the towel and the denim jacket separately, under higher heat, the whole task was executed. the dryer is wonderful. it always works.

the scarf, which had a bad smell and a tacky feel to it before i washed it, now has neither, and is hanging very neatly in the closet again, with all my other clean scarves. this makes me feel good. i am much readier for winter with all my scarves clean.

as for the overcoat, i am not sure what i should do with it. should i send it to david? i know that if i asked him if he wanted it he would say "no". he always says "no". sadness. i could wear it myself, and i have at least once, but i do not think i want to wear it again.

(3) i cleared out the floor and shelf of the hall closet and reorganized my belongings. mom had a lot of junky miscellany in there. i could not tolerate her disorganized mess in with my new organized stuff. i am sorry, mom. :(

(4) ...and, once again, i cleaned a hairball off the newly dressed sofa. i did it wish the orange magic cleaning towel that i have come to worship. it makes cleaning cat vomit and hairballs significantly easier and more effective!

finding actions

i have things to do
i know that
i feel lost sometimes
and do nothing
i have been doing nothing for many weeks
with so much that needed to be done
i might have gotten more things done in the last two days
than in the last two months

thank you
...god

forfeit
forfeiture
giving and taking
talking and faking

being ignored
feeling scorned

forlorn
despondent

desperate

what do i do now?

i have nothing
you will never love me now

now you understand my power
and that i'm capable of using it

you'll never love me again now

i am managing
to see through
see between
over to the far side of my self
to the far side of what constitutes
my self

i still believe in my intuition
it is my loudest voice
it gives me faith again
where previously God did

i would never hurt you so much if you hadn't hurt me so much, repeatedly and carelessly.

you selfish, self-centered, greedy, gluttonous man...wanting, wanting, wanting...at any cost......no common sense in that old body of yours...what happened to you for you to be so stupid and immature?

you are more lost than i could EVER be at your age.

enraveling ravel roving rover
raging railing failing flailing

not knowing or going
sensing for sowing
reaping and flowing

nothing
nothing
nothing
the more i say it the more it means something

but the truth is i know more about nothing than i do about something
i wish i could say otherwise

killing eyes
parrot eyes

patronize
insult

i'm traumatized by your insanity

my voice
in your throat
you speak my words

and you hear me in your thoughts

stable on the table
up on top
pop pop stop

hands
mine pressed on yours

no namesnonenononnonononononononononoononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono
names
no names
no identities
just floating souls

no sadness
no anger
no he, she, i, you, or me

don't tell me how to be

you don't know who i am
why should i listen to you?

you don't understand

i use lower-case letters because i want to be seen as smaller than upper-case letters. i shouldn't even have a title. then maybe i could be seen as smaller. read me, please. i need to be seen and read and known...but it has to be on my terms so i can stay within my comfort zone.

i am more important than you realize. you will understand this after i am gone.

gone
away
running far
rue the day

bye you idiot

Muffins and Stuff

The silliness of muffins. It occurs to me now. We have cake. Bread. Isn't that enough? Why do we need muffins. Muffins are popular sometimes. Then cupcakes are popular. Then it's bagels that people make a big deal over.