do i not like being touched or comforted when i'm sad or crying because my parents never comforted me as a child when i was sad or crying?
did i learn that there was no comfort to be found in others? ...in confiding or trusting others when i needed them? maybe they just made me feel worse. i know my father did.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
tree of life
the sun is SKIPPING!
across the clouds like a stone on the water
the sun is RUNNING!
on the horizon like a child on new legs
the door of my consciousness opens out into the ocean and expanse of my soul
across the clouds like a stone on the water
the sun is RUNNING!
on the horizon like a child on new legs
the door of my consciousness opens out into the ocean and expanse of my soul
today's accomplishments:
(1) i put away a whole laundry basketful of clean clothes. i hung everything in there up in my closet. everything felt good as i was putting it in the closet. i think i still wanted to keep everything and felt no ambivalence over keeping it.
(2) after up to two years of them being separated, i reunited an overcoat--one i still have that was david's (sadness)--with it's removable liner. yay. this feels so good. i don't like when things that belong together are separated.
on the same day (today) of reuniting them, i actually washed them in the washing machine, too. it was so effortless and easy. i put them in the washer with a black denim calvin klein jacket which i have had since i was in high school. i have given it away to my mother who let family members use it when they visited and years later i suppose i took it back. i have not worn it in...at least a decade, i am sure, but i might wear it again someday. it is definitely '80's vintage calvin klein at this point.
also in the washer went a special beach towel i really love. it rolls up and has ties and a shoulder strap, and even a little pocket with a cute button on it. so the beach towel is like its own self-bag. my mother bought it for me from a catalog store named tweeds up to 20 years ago. i love beach gear and just had to have this towel. i have never seen anyone or anyplace else with anything like this. i love it a lot. i do not think i will ever get rid of it. with my thinner figure and new bikini beachwear i will be going to the beach more often in summers to come.
the last item in that load of laundry was a winter scarf. the brand of the scarf is missoni. it is the kind of item i would never buy, not even used. i do like it very much, but i tend to only buy things that i love or that i think are very unusual and this scarf does not fit into either category. this was one of the scarves i acquired from jed, and one of the two scarves he gave me after finding them on the street. i washed them and started to wear them--this one much, much less than the other, as it is strictly a winter scarf.
the detergent went in the water. the temperature of the water was right. it was just such an easy load of laundry to do, and even though i had to dry the towel and the denim jacket separately, under higher heat, the whole task was executed. the dryer is wonderful. it always works.
the scarf, which had a bad smell and a tacky feel to it before i washed it, now has neither, and is hanging very neatly in the closet again, with all my other clean scarves. this makes me feel good. i am much readier for winter with all my scarves clean.
as for the overcoat, i am not sure what i should do with it. should i send it to david? i know that if i asked him if he wanted it he would say "no". he always says "no". sadness. i could wear it myself, and i have at least once, but i do not think i want to wear it again.
(3) i cleared out the floor and shelf of the hall closet and reorganized my belongings. mom had a lot of junky miscellany in there. i could not tolerate her disorganized mess in with my new organized stuff. i am sorry, mom. :(
(4) ...and, once again, i cleaned a hairball off the newly dressed sofa. i did it wish the orange magic cleaning towel that i have come to worship. it makes cleaning cat vomit and hairballs significantly easier and more effective!
(1) i put away a whole laundry basketful of clean clothes. i hung everything in there up in my closet. everything felt good as i was putting it in the closet. i think i still wanted to keep everything and felt no ambivalence over keeping it.
(2) after up to two years of them being separated, i reunited an overcoat--one i still have that was david's (sadness)--with it's removable liner. yay. this feels so good. i don't like when things that belong together are separated.
on the same day (today) of reuniting them, i actually washed them in the washing machine, too. it was so effortless and easy. i put them in the washer with a black denim calvin klein jacket which i have had since i was in high school. i have given it away to my mother who let family members use it when they visited and years later i suppose i took it back. i have not worn it in...at least a decade, i am sure, but i might wear it again someday. it is definitely '80's vintage calvin klein at this point.
also in the washer went a special beach towel i really love. it rolls up and has ties and a shoulder strap, and even a little pocket with a cute button on it. so the beach towel is like its own self-bag. my mother bought it for me from a catalog store named tweeds up to 20 years ago. i love beach gear and just had to have this towel. i have never seen anyone or anyplace else with anything like this. i love it a lot. i do not think i will ever get rid of it. with my thinner figure and new bikini beachwear i will be going to the beach more often in summers to come.
the last item in that load of laundry was a winter scarf. the brand of the scarf is missoni. it is the kind of item i would never buy, not even used. i do like it very much, but i tend to only buy things that i love or that i think are very unusual and this scarf does not fit into either category. this was one of the scarves i acquired from jed, and one of the two scarves he gave me after finding them on the street. i washed them and started to wear them--this one much, much less than the other, as it is strictly a winter scarf.
the detergent went in the water. the temperature of the water was right. it was just such an easy load of laundry to do, and even though i had to dry the towel and the denim jacket separately, under higher heat, the whole task was executed. the dryer is wonderful. it always works.
the scarf, which had a bad smell and a tacky feel to it before i washed it, now has neither, and is hanging very neatly in the closet again, with all my other clean scarves. this makes me feel good. i am much readier for winter with all my scarves clean.
as for the overcoat, i am not sure what i should do with it. should i send it to david? i know that if i asked him if he wanted it he would say "no". he always says "no". sadness. i could wear it myself, and i have at least once, but i do not think i want to wear it again.
(3) i cleared out the floor and shelf of the hall closet and reorganized my belongings. mom had a lot of junky miscellany in there. i could not tolerate her disorganized mess in with my new organized stuff. i am sorry, mom. :(
(4) ...and, once again, i cleaned a hairball off the newly dressed sofa. i did it wish the orange magic cleaning towel that i have come to worship. it makes cleaning cat vomit and hairballs significantly easier and more effective!
Friday, October 14, 2011
finding actions
i have things to do
i know that
i feel lost sometimes
and do nothing
i have been doing nothing for many weeks
with so much that needed to be done
i might have gotten more things done in the last two days
than in the last two months
thank you
...god
i know that
i feel lost sometimes
and do nothing
i have been doing nothing for many weeks
with so much that needed to be done
i might have gotten more things done in the last two days
than in the last two months
thank you
...god
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About Me
- That Girl
- ...a scared, scary, excitable, hyperbolic, friendly puppy of a girl who is moral and moralistic, puritanical, yet experimental and very curious, ontologically-overwhelmed...a life dilettante with hungry kaleidoscope eyes whose favorite facial expression is "I see you" and wants everyone to love her (even those people who, much to her dismay, get cheap thrills from using shock value as a way to try to get people's attention or to just purely annoy or disgust)...who makes her world statement mostly as a hard-core ethical, lifestyle compassion activist of this, our cosmic consciousness...who perpetually dreams and wishes circles around herself and as a result may, in fact, never actually grow up...thanks Mom and Dad.